My mom is a dirty, old lady. It’s true, she really is. I thought I’d tell you up front so the following will make more sense.
You see, ever since I dipped my toe into the dating pool, my mom has been full of advice. For starters, she’d prefer I dive into the pool instead of my rather cautious approach. In her eyes, I’m acting like I’ve never seen water.
On any given day, her comments can range from “Just have coffee with the guy” to “Will you just do him already!”
Yup, that’s my mom!
Recently after my first ever coffee date (Happy now, mom!), I reported back to my inner circle which includes my mom, my aunt and just a few others. Knowing they were anxiously waiting to hear the details, I sent the message to the place where I knew they’d all be hanging out… Facebook.
“Ok ladies, had my first coffee date tonight (the Spaniard). It was ehh... But I'm proud to have finally gotten ‘the first’ out of the way even if it was just coffee. Next! (LOL)”
The following is the conversation that ensued. Enjoy if you can keep up…
Mom: “Oh, just go out with him again, give it one more chance.”
Friend #1: “So no go huh? Too bad, at least now you know, and you got the first one out of the way.”
Friend #2: “Europeans, ewww! Send me his pic.” (After receiving the pic) “Girl, he’s f----ing fine!!! Just do it already!”
Me: “My mom thinks I should give it one more coffee date, but there was no spark, at least not for me. Yes, he’s from Spain and our conversation was almost 100% in Spanish and he’s educated and he’s lived all over the world… Sexy right? But I just wasn’t feeling it.”
Aunt: “Yay (for getting it out of the way), some of those super perfect guys make you wonder, ‘So why are you still single?’ You need to look for what turns your crank.”
Me: “Yay, I got it out of the way, right? I guess I’m realizing what I like and don’t like. So the journey continues…”
Aunt: “Today, looks don’t matter. I like a man that is willing to drink a beer and watch boxing (or MMA) with me, BBQ when the family is over and accepts each and every one of this unique group that is my family. Don’t settle, mija, you have lots of time. But don’t be blinded by looking for perfection either. I bet Prince Charming had stinky feet. LOL!”
THOU SHALL MAKE THE BOOTY CALL FIRST
Somewhere along the way, the subject turned to sex. More specifically, booty calls. And that’s where mom (ahem) dominated the conversation.
“Make sure YOU make the booty call. If he makes the booty call, he’ll want to stay over and expect you to make breakfast. We can’t have that.”
|My reaction to mom's booty call advice.|
Me: “Mom, you’re scaring me.”
Mom: “Just laying down the groundwork… laying down the rules.”
Aunt: “You are so wise.”
Still disturbed by the conversation, I took mom’s advice to Twitter.
Me: “Advice from Mom: Make sure YOU make the booty call. If he does he'll want to stay & expect u to make breakfast. We can't have that. !”
@JustWithMe replied: “Make breakfast? That’s crazy talk.”
While my mom doesn’t discourage online dating, she says it definitely wasn’t for her.
Mom: “I gave up online dating after I realized we never got past the first meet because I didn’t sleep with them.”
[Side note: My mom is the biggest freak I know so I’m finding this somewhat hard to believe. However, she’s been in a committed relationship for almost 10 years with a wonderful man.]
Aunt: I never tried online dating. Couldn’t cough up the cash for a chance at meeting Mr. Right when I needed things like electricity (kidding)… I’m re-evaluating the whole booty call thing.”
It was at this point that I tell them that getting schooled on booty call etiquette but my mom is kind of disturbing and I may need to talk about this with my therapist to which my aunt replied…
“If it made it to the couch, it was definitely worth it.”
Enough about what my mom has said, let’s take a look at some of things she’s done.
Like the time she took my oldest daughter (her granddaughter) shopping and ended up at a store where she purchased edible chocolate body paint. My daughter, who wasn’t more than 12 at the time, asked, “What’s that for?” To this day, she regrets asking.
Is this really all true? Sadly, it is. My therapist doesn’t believe some of these stories. I’ll have to take mom in for show and tell one of these days.
RUNNING WITH THE BULLS?
As for “The Spaniard,” I took my mother’s advice and saw him again...
And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.