Wednesday, June 15, 2011

My neighbors suck as dog owners (and as neighbors)

Dear Neighbors:

Once again, I was awakened by the high-pitched yapping of your small dog and the grunting of your big dog at 5:30 in the freakin morning. (You’ll understand the grunting reference in a minute.)

Of all days, my youngest picked today to sleep in until 8:30 a.m. You see, my kid sleeping in until 8:30 is like a gift from God. It’s a really awesome change of pace – really, really, really awesome -- from the usual 7 a.m. wake-up call, especially in the summer when they flip the script on you. You can’t drag them out of bed for school in the morning but they’re up at the crack of dawn in the summer.

Do you know what a kid’s wake-up call is like? That’s when you’re sound asleep, but you suddenly sense someone staring at you in the dark. When you finally open one sleepy eye, your kid is standing mere inches from your face with a wild look on her face like that kid from The Poltergeist. Your heart nearly jumps out of your chest and you just about jump out of your PJ’s.

OK, so “PJ’s” isn’t entirely accurate (more like gray sweats with holes at the knees (and crotch but not in a sexy way) and an old softball t-shirt from 1997). 

I don’t blame “Yippy” and “Bully” for waking me up from a sound sleep. Oh yeah, I’ve nicknamed them, just so you know.

I blame you -- for failing to protect “Yippy” from “Bully!”

You see at first, I thought it was just a whiny, little dog bitching to go back inside into his air conditioned people house. Until I looked out my bedroom window and witnessed the horror!

That’s when I saw “Bully” trying to mount “Yippy” from the back – yes, doggy style! Guess what “Bully?” “Yippy’s” a boy!

If “Yippy” could talk, I’m sure he’d yell, “Rape!”

Side note: When I explained to my mother why I was so tired she immediately asked if “Yippy” and “Bully” were gay dogs (not that there’s anything wrong with that!). But when she said the words, “gay dog sex,” I knew the conversation had gone south and decided it was best to end our phone call.

Most people in my position would want to take out the dogs. Me? That’s not my style.

I’d prefer to go all Carrie Underwood on your ass and key that shiny, new truck that you keep parking in front of my house, even though there’s plenty of room in front of your house and you have a two-car garage. 

But nooooooooooooooo! You park that gas guzzler right in front of my house EVVV-ER-EEE… DAMN... DAY!  

Pssst! Neighbor husband… Every morning, as soon as you drive off in your shiny, new truck, another man drives up in an older red, pick-up truck. Just an observation…   

Pssst! Neighbor wife… YOU CAN’T SING!  So stop with the karaoke parties in the back yard. No one, and I mean no one, in your circle of family and friends is American Idol-bound so please either stop singing (the preferred choice) or take the party inside. “I will survive” by Gloria Gaynor! Really?!?!

In closing, you both suck.


Two Kids and a Fish Lizard

P.S. The fish died a few months ago (RIP Kanishiwa) and the lizard I saved from drowning in our pool won’t go away. At least he doesn’t bark and he doesn’t hump other lizards!


  1. My neighbor sucks as a dog owner, too. Doesn't keep me awake or anything, just doesn't give his dog enough attention. But the neighbor has a cute butt and nice arms and I like watching him come and go. He's getting married. Might move. With my luck your karaoke neighbor will come take his place. Oh wait, I've been known to go Gretchen Wilson in my yard (singing not drinking)so we'll see what happens. Keying a car fantasy. My Ex has a big SUV. Oh Carrie Underwood . . . you are my hero. . .

  2. Because of Carrie Underwood, I have a newfound respect for my Louisville Slugger. So sorry to hear about your neighbor. That is a much better view!