Saturday, June 9, 2012

So my ex-husband cheated on me. Now what? We’re already divorced.


When I left my marriage two years ago, I was not short on reasons to do so. The mistreatment of me and my kids, the lies that led to our financial ruin and the lies, lies and more lies.

Now it appears I can add one more to the list: Infidelity.

I recently found out that my ex-husband cheated on me during our 17-year marriage.

Whoa, wait, wait, wait… Let me back up a little bit… He cheated during our engagement. And then he cheated after we married.

It was common knowledge at his workplace. People in his office were practically taking bets that he’d never really make it to the altar.

Speaking of people in his office… You know where I’m going with this and you know who “the other women” were.  

What a cliché this has turned into.  

I won’t go into details on how I found out, but the lead was legit and it led me to the truth.

So my ex-husband cheated on me. Now what? We’re already divorced.

Do I confront him? Do I go take a Louisville slugger to his car and go all Carrie Underwood? (Sounds very therapeutic so I may roll with this one...)

Do I hunt down the women (yes, plural) and confront them? (And say what? “How dare you mess with an engaged/married man who was once mine but he turned out to be an asshole so I divorced him!”)

I can’t really explain how I feel. There’s some numbness but then there’s this faint yet annoying pain. Yet I feel this considerable hole. An emptiness perhaps? Or my gut telling me, “I told you so, stupid.”

I wish I had the words to really describe this. I think it would help me to better comprehend what I’m feeling because I don’t understand it myself.

I saw him today for the first time since knowing this. At first glance, I felt as if I had vomited in my mouth just a little bit.

When I realized my face was hurting from scowling so hard, I decided to take a different approach.

I straightened up my posture and pushed my perky boobs and tight ass to the heavens (I’ve been working out), took my daughter by the hand and said, “C’mon sweetie… Let’s go home.”

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*Note to readers: I originally wrote this in my journal a couple of months ago. I was uneasy and unsure about sharing this. But ya’ll know about my spring fling with the Spaniard so what the hell, right? 

22 comments:

  1. Wow. Unfortunately, there's no neat "category" into which to slot your feelings. But the hurt and betrayal are no less real, with or without a place to put them and neatly label them.

    I found things out years after divorce as well that cut me to the bone. There was nowhere to go with the feelings, the facts, the numbness.

    There is relief in knowing that what nagged at you for years was not unfounded. But I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

    Feel the outrage. You have every right to it. And then stand tall and keep going. You earned that. Besides, what else is there?

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  2. When my ex and I split up, a friend told me he had cheated on my during our engagement. He had cheated on me with someone he worked with which was ironic because he had assured me he would NEVER cheat on me with a co-worker because he needed to concentrate on his job. My friend also told me the affair was common knowledge and that it was presumed I knew about it and was okay with it. I never had the urge to confront him. I felt embarrassed that people knew and I didn't. I felt embarrsssed that they thought I was okay with it. But I just took it as further evidence that there were so many things about him I didn't know.

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  3. Hmm,I'm sensing a theme here. The engagement fling...what makes me so mad about it is that by keeping it a secret, it takes away the other person's choice to get married or not. If I/we had known, would we have made different choices? Maybe. And, if someone can't stay faithful during the ENGAGEMENT, how can a person expect to stay faithful after the legality of the sameness descends?

    I agree with BLW that there's nothing you can do now except acknowledge that it happened, be angry for a while, and know in your heart that you deserved better and will get better from your new life.

    What a load of info to get so long past the divorce, though!!!

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  4. Things I left out because I was either too hurt or just plain forgot:
    - After a few days of knowing the truth, it hit me that some of these women were at our frickin wedding! "Son of a bitch!" is what I remember yelling out loud.
    - The day I saw him, he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that it looked good on me. I replied, "Go fuck yourself."

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  5. Replies
    1. Thanks Luis... You're right: It's not worth it. While writing about this is therapeutic, exhausting anymore energy (ie. slashing his tires, cussing him out in public in English and Spanish, etc.) is just not worth my time.

      Hold up, my phone is ringing. It's the Spaniard... Gotta go! :)

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  6. Love it. Been there. Let it go. God Bless You. DB

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, DB! You're right: "Let it go." Working on it... :)

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  7. Oh wow. Ick. Really...ick.

    I think all of us discover things after divorce -- but this is a particular kind of gut punch that simply reinforces the fact that a divorce is nothing like a death. Because with death, there is a dead body and whatnot.

    If only...

    ;)

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    Replies
    1. Ick is right. And I so understand what you mean. I mourned the death of my marriage while still in the marriage, but ya, he's still around... *sigh*

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  8. I often wondered if I would find out that same info after I divorced my ex ..... It's been 6 years now and I haven't heard anything. But I still think it might have happened.

    Btw I just found your blog and love how you share the happenings! Looking forward to hearing if there are going to more "dates" with the spainard! :)

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  9. I don't think it would matter how long you'd been divorced - finding out he cheated on you would always hurt and would always take time to digest and understand.

    Hope you're doing OK ...

    Mandy

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  10. Ewwww. Also, good riddance to that guy. He obviously didn't deserve your affection. I hope one day instead of "go fuck yourself," your inclination is to shrug in an "I really don't give a fig what you think—you are a stranger" sort of way.

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  11. Yep, I've been there. I did divorce him for infidelity or reasonable suspicion of infidelity along with many other reasons. I was just amazed by the volumes of stories that came out. I think what most upset me (other than my husband was a liar - duh) was that I was the last to know. It was MY life and yet, I didn't even get to be an active participant in deciding what was best for me. Everyone else decided that it was best not to tell me.
    I will tell you that we were separated when I found out HER NAME. And yes, I confronted her. I was separated but living in denial that it was over. I naively wanted him back and she was an obstacle. Although I still absolutely hate her, I thank God for her. She was an eye-opener to say the least.

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    1. Isn't it amazing what you find out AFTER you leave?!?! The things people know but don't tell you for whatever reason. I don't regret leaving one bit. The only regret I have is not leaving sooner. Had I had more information, perhaps I could have. But no one told me and I was so consumed with the daily battles of just getting through another day with him that I couldn't see straight if I tried. Thanks so much for sharing your story and for stopping by. {{{Hugs}}}

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  12. Oh wait, I thought of a funny story. So my ex cheated with a woman that was also cheating. The denied the affair for the longest time. (Like I said, I got the confirmation during our separation) Anyway, about a year after our divorce (and hers), the happy-cheater-couple broke up. My ex suspected that she was going back to her husband, so he called him and confessed to the affair. He even told him, "this whole time I've been saying that my ex-wife was crazy, but really she just hates her because she knew the truth." Her ex didn't say anything because like your post, what could he say? Um, thanks. We're divorced.

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  13. Wow... I am so grateful to have found your blog!! I too am recently divorced and just found out yesterday that our entire marriage was a sham! I had my suspcicions of cheating... but never proof. I ultimately divorced him because he was an abusive alcoholic... adding philandering infidel to the list just sucks.

    I keep telling myself that the best revenge is life well lived... but it all still hurts.

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    1. Chickenhawk: Like you, I left my marriage for a long list of reasons but told myself, "Well, at least he didn't cheat on me." So much overshadowed my suspicions like the verbal abuse, the financial infidelity and so much more. I know it hurts like hell right now, but trust me when I say that it gets better. It really does. If the best revenge is living well, then I'm living proof. I've never been more blessed, more happy... Hugs to you, hon!

      I'm glad you found my blog, too. :)

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    2. Yup, I said the SAME thing!! "At least he didn't cheat on me!" DOH. Now I'm stuck sitting here wondering what the hell I was thinking for staying with him for so long!!!

      My new life is actually coming along really nicely! I'm 9 months into my new job, new house for the kids and me... I'm on a cycling team (something I always wanted but XH never supported). Life is GOOD!! I'm healthier both mentally and physically... I am proud of who I have become and the strength I have developed!!

      In the end... I got a lot of positive things out of the experience... personal growth for me, and two amazing, smart, and beautiful babies!!

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  14. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  15. I can understand your pain even though it feels after the fact. My husband just confessed his most recent affair to me and then I found a PowerPoint that outlined why the whole thing was my fault and it included a description of why he had an affair back in 2002. I had no idea that this happened back then and it knocked me for a loop. Almost as painful as finding out about his latest affair. http://dowehavetotellthekids.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-beauty-of-powerpoint.html

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    ReplyDelete