Monday, April 18, 2011

The Idiot is Married

The vehicle in the next lane seemed a bit familiar, but I quickly dismissed it. We’ve been making this morning commute for eight months. All cars start to look the same. 

However, last week, the lil one noticed a car that seemed a little too familiar. It was a SUV. And it was silver.  

Lil one: “Hey, mom, I’ve seen that car before…” 

Me: “Uh huh.”

Lil one: “Mom, there’s a lady driving, but there’s a man...”

Me: “How about spaghetti for dinner…”

Lil one: “Oh my gawd, mom, it’s him!” 

Me: “With garlic bread…”

It was him, the Idiot, sitting in the passenger seat. His wife was driving.

That’s right… The Idiot is married!

First-timers should read, “Three Witnesses and an Idiot,” for reference.

The rest of you may remember the Idiot from an earlier blog post a couple of months ago. I encountered the Idiot while taking my daughter and two nieces (the three witnesses) to school. 

I have to admit, he had cojones to do what he did. How else can you explain his bone-headed, Quagmire move? Maybe that’s his M.O. Maybe there’s a thrill in slowly coming to a stop at a red light and checking out the chicks in the cars next to you.

Little did he know this chick had three witnesses – ages 5, 6 and 9 at the time – in the back seat. 

Now here we were – just me and my daughter this time – on the way to school, sitting at another red light next to a silver SUV.

And there’s the Idiot with his wife!

“Hey, mom, she’s looking this way.”

The idiot’s wife was looking in our direction. So my daughter rolled down her window in the backseat and waved hello. The wife waved back.

Being the smart ass that I am, I rolled down the front, passenger window and waved hello, sporting a big, cheesy smile.

My daughter, proving to be an even bigger smart ass than her momma, made a hand gesture and mouthed the words, “Call me,” to the wife.  

She took a page right out of the Idiot’s playbook and used it perfectly. 

I laughed so hard I hit my head on the steering wheel. I laughed so hard I snorted. I laughed for so long that the car behind me annoyingly honked because the light had turned green and I hadn’t moved.

A few minutes later we’re sitting next to each other at yet another red light and our windows are still down.

This time the lady driving the silver SUV waves to my daughter with a “Aw, look at the cute little girl” look on her face.

She looks at me and says, “Beautiful daughter.” 

I say thank you and I notice two things: Her wedding ring (It’s lovely) and a car seat (Bastard!).

I say, “Nice car.”

She says, “Thanks, it’s my husband’s.”

As she says this, she tilts her head to the side in the direction of the Idiot in the passenger seat – her "husband." This gesture gets his attention and he starts rubber necking our way to see what she’s looking at.

My daughter and I are looking straight at him. As the Idiot finally locks eyes with us, we’re waving at him in unison with the biggest, smart ass smiles you’ve ever seen.

It only took him about a second to remember us. And it was priceless.

He quickly looked away. He wanted nothing to do with us.

And his wife was clueless.

A couple of days later, I had all three witnesses in my backseat again. My daughter told her cousins how we ran into the Idiot earlier in the week.

The six-year-old had a question for me: “If you could talk to the wife, would you tell her what her husband did?”

I said, yes, of course I would.

The five-year-old called me a snitch: “That’s snitching. You shouldn’t be a tattle-tale.”

This had me in stitches. I laughed so hard I hit my head on the steering wheel (again). And then I snorted!


  1. Oh my Lord, he's married! And, yes, you're daughter is a riot.

  2. Haha I just went back and read the original 'incident'. Classic! I wonder how bad the idiot was sweating in his seat?

  3. Hahahahahaha! That is epic! Hilarious reading...

  4. That is PRICELESS!!! I love it.
    Men suck sometimes. Really, truly bad behavior. LOL! Love that he got caught.

  5. He won't be married much longer. He's bound to caught. Goodbye silver SUV. HA!

  6. Wow! That is greatness, right there! LOL!

  7. Just wanted to say that I love your blog....... I started at the beginning and read up through your delightful children making fun of the idiot. Perfect. I'm in the midst of divorce too, 3 kids, heartache. Thanks for blogging.

  8. Hahaha, the look on the idiot's face must've been priceless!!!

    I feel bad for the wife. Gosh, what a jerk. I hope what just happened had sobered him up for good!!!

  9. You tell the BEST stories - thank you for sharing. Next time someone is sleeping at the lights, I'll be looking around to see if they've been chatting with neighboring cars.

  10. To be completely honest, I sat there thinking, "I can't believe this is happening."

    Meanwhile, I can hear my kid in the back seat: "This is so awesome."

    Thank you so much for reading. I love all of your comments!