Monday, February 14, 2011

Three Witnesses and an Idiot

Despite the divorce in progress, I’m still part of the morning carpool routine with two of my sister-in-laws. Since we take our daughters out of district, it’s a 20-30 minute drive, depending on the traffic.  

When you have three girls – aka witnesses, ages 5, 6 and 9 -- in your back seat on a Monday morning with zero coffee intake, the 20-30 minute drive can sometimes feel like a cross-country road trip to Wally World.

Needless to say, you have to be creative to help pass the time. They love playing “20 Questions.” (i.e., If you have 20 cupcakes and you eat 5 of them, how many do you have left? Yes, almost all questions involve food.)  

On this particular morning, we sat at a red light and continued our “Questions” game… until the driver of the silver SUV started waving hello.

Like an idiot, I waved back. Like an even bigger idiot, I said, “Look girls, the nice man is waving hello.”

Not to be outdone, the driver of the silver SUV proved to be even a bigger idiot than me. With his right hand, he made a gesture (get your heads out of the gutter) as if he was holding a telephone. He then mouthed the words, “Can I call you?”

This sent the three witnesses in the back seat into a frenzy. 

By the way, who hits on someone at a red light at 8:30 in the morning! Seriously, who does that? 

As I shook my head “no” and he shrugged his shoulders with the “Well, I tried look,” the chatter from the witnesses grew to a fever pitch.

To further put him to shame, the witnesses hit the power button of the back seat window. As the tinted window lowered, they pointed and laughed as if the guy had been caught eating his boogers in the cafeteria.

Realizing he had just hit on a woman with three kids in the back seat, the driver of the silver SUV suddenly sat there slumped in shame in his driver’s seat, praying, I’m sure, that the damn light would turn green.

My heart was racing. I couldn’t breathe. I felt light-headed.  

What do I do now? What’s my next move?

At the next red light, I whipped out my cell phone and made a 911 call to my sister-in-law, the mother of the 5-year-old.

As I tried to explain what had just happened, the witnesses chanted:
“Mommy and a stranger sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G…”

As I ended my emergency phone call, a debate had started in the back seat.

“She can’t date yet, she’s still legally married!” said the 5-year-old.

“Oh, yes, she can,” said the 6-year-old.

“Mom, it’s time for you to get out there,” said my 9-year-old.

Oh yes, the back seat of my car had suddenly turned into The Jerry Springer show. Instead of chairs, they flung cheezits at each other.

Note: I’ve actually been on The Jerry Springer Show, in the audience, not a guest, but that’s a whole other blog…


  1. It still leaves me shaking my head every time I think about it. Thanks for reading, my friend. :)

  2. Oh my! I have 6 and 9 year old daughters and my goodness they're opinionated about such things, aren't they?

    Good stuff!

  3. Okay this had me rolling. I've got my five year old acting like a wingman at the rock climbing gym - inviting eligible women to 'come watch me climb' and telling them, 'yep, that's our car... we came in THAT'...

    Of course it would have helped if the eligible women were there ALONE and not with some silver fox aged dude, and that my car would have been oh... say... WASHED and not dusty from a mountain trip.

    But it's the thought that counts right??

    Great site, hilarious content. I'm just wrapping my head around this Twitter stuff.

  4. Your wingman! Hilarious! The 5-yer-old needs a cheat sheet so they know how to spot 'em. :)

  5. Ok, so wait a minute...leaning out the window in the wee hours of the morning and making gestures doesn't woo women? I've been going about this all wrong I see.