Half-truths and sugar-coated memories

I said something out loud recently. Something I hadn’t had the guts to say to anyone before. Not even to myself. I may not have even realized it until the words left my mouth.  

Saying this out loud not only took me by surprise, it shocked the hell out of the imaginary voices in my head.  The conversation went something like this:

#1: “OMG, did she just say that?”

#2: “Yeah, she did. Is she crazy?”  

Me: “I’m not crazy… Nooooo... Shhhhhh!”

#3: “Shut up and let her talk.”

While having dinner with a friend, I said: “I’ve never been completely honest in my journal.”

Say what?

I continued: “I never honestly documented what was really going on.”

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

While looking back at old journal entries, I realized that, in some cases, I had only scratched the surface. In others, I had so drastically glossed over the truth; I had to double check to see if it was actually my journal. 

It’s as if I was afraid to “go there.” The pages were filled with half-truths and sugar-coated memories.

What was I afraid of? Why couldn’t I be honest in my own journal?

Upon the realization of this, I became increasingly pissed off at myself. I’m talking chicken-neck, finger-wagging, “Oh no you did-ent!” pissed off. That’s right. I wanted to go all “Jerry Springer” on, well, me.

But there I was in a restaurant, surrounded by strangers, confessing this to a friend. Not a close family member. Not an inner circle girlfriend. But a friend/colleague who was hearing for the first that I was getting divorced and that I had committed a journal-listic no-no. 

I was guilty of fudging.

Why so pissed off? Because I lied to myself, and by lying to myself it kept me from seeing the real truth about my marriage, about my ex and about myself. It kept me from seeing the damage that was being done to my daughters. 

I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for that last one.  

 *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

I started writing a journal in early 2005. Ironically, it was late 2005 when I realized my marriage was in trouble. I spent the next five years trying to save it, with no luck.

My initial intention was to honestly document family events and life lessons for my daughters. Something they would read when I was long gone – mentally or otherwise.

“I dedicate this book to my girls… Never forget that my love for you is absolute.”

Aw, how nice…  

“I also dedicate this book to the love of my life …”

Wait… What?

“I can’t imagine my life without you…”

Someone please make it stop!

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

 Suddenly, on Nov. 25, 2005, I got real. There was some truth. Finally! Unfortunately, after this journal entry, the truth faded.

“I’ve never hurt like this before… The thought of my marriage coming to an end knocks the wind out of me.”

Even now as I write this, I have to catch my breath.

“But I love you enough to let you go…”

And I did. I let him go. By doing so, I set myself free. 

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Once I set myself free I saw the real truth. However, with real truth comes real pain, and that kind of sucks, to be perfectly honest.

Haven’t I been through enough pain? Isn’t divorce painful enough?

Apparently not!

OK, so setting me free has a price. But it’s one I’m willing to pay. I have to. If I don’t, I’ll end up in the same boat of lies and half-truths that I was once in and I can’t – I won’t – do that again.  

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Now, for a chuckle, at my expense… I can’t help but cry-laugh (that’ when you laugh and cry at the same time) at the following, mostly because I’m not into horoscopes and because I found it by following a link on my oldest daughter’s Facebook page. (Snooping? Me? Nooooooo!)

So here goes…My horoscope for the upcoming week.

“Your mind will touch on emotional events that you may not have fully dealt with at the time they happened.”

Do they know me or what?

“Old feelings that you thought were gone could well up and bring tears to your eyes.”

Pass me a tissue, please…

“Honestly face these feelings now instead of stuffing them back down for another decade.”

@#$%!