Sunday, December 4, 2011

Part Three: Refusing to settle

And so she left. My first born, my baby girl was gone. New address: FiancĂ©’s house.

As predicted, I headed straight for her room. I sat on her bed, surrounded by the emptiness of the space, and cried.

Minutes earlier she had confessed to me that she didn’t love him, but felt she had gone too far to turn back. She said she’d rather go through with it than have “that” discussion. She added, “I don’t want to have to deal with him.” 

It turns out he was good at manipulating her. For the first time, she told me she’d tried to break it off a number of times but that he’d “guilt trip” her and talk her out of it. He’d tease about not being able to “cut the strings.” He said much worse, but let’s just leave it at that, shall we.

That night, I wrote these words in my journal:

Why is my daughter settling? Because she learned this from me…

Then the guilt set in. And it was painful.  Then the memories came rolling in. And that was even more painful. Like an old home movie playing in my head, the memories clearly showed the many times I had settled during my marriage. How I succumbed to the manipulation, how I took the verbal abuse and how I allowed myself to be bullied. And she was a witness to it all.

Later that night, I sent her a text message.

Remember that I’ll always be here for you. Love, Mom…

She replied with a simple, “Thanks.” I’m not sure what I was expecting, but the one word reply set me over the edge.

I cried myself to sleep.

The next morning, I did my best to be productive. I made coffee, got the little one ready for school and planted myself in my home office.

By late morning, she called to say she was stopping by the house before running a few errands. I took this as a sympathy drive-by, a pity stop. I could hear her voice in my head, “OK, I’ll stop by and see mom, make her feel good.”

She stuck her head in my office. I waved her in and she took a seat. Before I could make some small talk she said…

“Mom, can I move back in?”

My immediate response was, “Yes, of course!” followed by a quick, “What happened?”

“I can’t do it,” she explained. “It only took one night. I was nauseous all night.”

She said she realized that she couldn’t settle. She refused to settle!

She said for the first time, she realized she had picked someone who was so much like her dad, it was frightening. That when it came time to go to bed, which meant lying next to him, she was shaking and she knew she had to get out.

She said she finally saw things clearly: The manipulation, the guilt trips, the condescending remarks. Now the daddy issues she’d refused to deal with were suddenly choking her, she couldn’t breathe.

Later that day, she headed back to her fiancĂ©’s house and packed her things for the second time in less than 24 hours.

My daughter was coming home. More importantly, my daughter was refusing to settle. I have never been more proud of her.

But it also got me thinking…

How many of us have settled?

Yes, my daughter found the courage to get out, but how many of us stay? 

When all signs say get out, how many of us stay? I know I did. 

Why do we settle? 

One day my daughter will move out to be with someone who I hope treats her with respect and truly loves her. Or, she’ll move out to be on her own, independent of mom.

For now, she’s home and it’s time to heal.


  1. Thank God. I hope my own daughter learns from my mistakes...and not just how to make them herself. Your daughter is well on her way to being everything you hope for her and I'm so happy for you both. Thanks for sharing this with all of us...especially those of us who settled for too, too long.

  2. YAY!!! Oh girl, this made me cry. I'm so happy she came back home...

    I'm happy you both were able to self-reflect and see what was happening. I don't even know her and I want to hug her and tell her how proud I am.

    Kudos to you, great mom.

  3. Jennifer - You have no idea how many times I've said to her, "Have you learned nothing from my mistakes?" only to hear her respond with, "Those were your mistakes. It's my life now let me live it." Ugh. On the other hand, she's learned a heck of a lot from all of this.

    I wish you the best of luck with your daughter because, honestly, it ain't easy. And this child was the easy one. The little one... I shudder to think of what she'll put me through when she hits puberty.

  4. T - To have her come back less than 24 hours later was a Godsend! If only the rest of us could figure things out that quickly and take ourselves out of unhealthy relationships, we'd live much happier lives.

    I will give her a big hug from you! Xoxo

  5. The fact that it merely took one night away to realize the mistake is testament to YOU and your positive influence...and to her and her common sense!

    Congrats -- to you both...


  6. Thank you, Mikalee, thank you! Xoxo :)

  7. I'm so relieved for you and your daughter both!

    I don't like the word "settle" when it comes to the way men and women talk about pairing up with each other. Personally, I think "he's not the right person for me" is better, but whatever you call it - how wonderful that she realized so quickly that if she couldn't deal with saying no to him regarding moving in, she certainly wouldn't be able to deal with him in a "permanent" arrangement!

    (As for guilt trips, that's another discussion for another day. I understand why we do this to ourselves - I've done it too - but it isn't productive in the long run. Our kids pick that up from us as well. They're sponges... )

  8. Navhelowife - Me too, and that she saw it so quickly. Thank you!

  9. BLW - Thank you, very relieved over here! I truly believe that she would not have been able to say no to him had she stayed.

    As for the guilt trips, I'm working on this. It takes up the biggest chunk of my therapy sessions. That's right, still in therapy and working on my trauma egg. :)

    Thanks so much for reading! Xoxo

  10. oh God the guilt and the settling. i felt sick reading that, thinking about my own daughters watching me settle and forgive and go through the same abusive cycles. i've felt that worry many times ...i've said so many times to them in the last year, "don't do what i did, girls!"
    i hope i left soon enough for it to make an impact on them. i'm SO glad to hear that she moved out. good for you, that says something about momma too. and thank goodness.

  11. She didn't settle! That is such good news. I just found your blog so I don't know your entire story, but since it is about divorce, you must have stopped settling at some point. That is the way I see it in my situation. I stopped settling one day and I continue to just look forward now.