I’m not gonna lie. I’m a mess right now. I feel alone. I feel vulnerable. Part of me feels that if he walked through the door right now, I’d take him back. (Just kidding, Mom!)
Most of all I’m sad…and angry…but mostly sad.
I woke up crying. I mean really crying. You know that kind of crying where tears, snot and screeching noises come out simultaneously. The screeching is raw, incomprehensible noise. It’s like you’re trying to communicate with whales.
It’s that kind of crying where you scream his name, curse his name then say it again but softly.
I hate you! I love you!
I want you back! No, I don’t!
I guess I’m just having a bad day. I’ve been alone for two days because the kids are away this weekend.
I think this downward spiral started last night…When I found the wedding photos.
I had a dream about the early days. Yup, I went Old School in my dream. Back then, when it was good, it was really good. For the last five years of our marriage, that’s what I longed for. That’s what I held on to.
Sometime this morning, the dream suddenly catapulted me into the present…Wet eyes, snotty nose, heavy heart.
If my tear-soaked pillow could talk, it would probably say, “Get it together, girlfriend!”
Or maybe it would just roll its eyes and say, “Not this again.”
Needing a change of scenery, I forced myself out of bed and into the bathtub…without water.
And I’ve been in such a good place lately. Actually, I’ve been in a really good place for a few months now, which is why this basket-case scenario is really pissing me off.
OK, so I found the wedding photos. Now what?
Do I burn them? A bonfire with s'mores?
Do I keep them? For when I need a good cry or PMS-ing or PTSD-ing… (Google PTSD)
This is not me. I’m the strong one. I’m the rock.
“I don’t rattle, kid!” Ugh! That’s a line from one of HIS favorite movies.
I guess when you’ve lost the love of your life, days like this can shake you. And my world is an earthquake right now.
Don’t worry… No need to talk me off the ledge. (No, Mom… I don’t need you to come over.)
Gonna pick myself up, dust myself off and move on like I always do.
Now if I could only get out of this damn bathtub…