I’m not gonna lie. I’m a mess right now. I feel alone. I feel vulnerable. Part of me feels that if he walked through the door right now, I’d take him back. (Just kidding, Mom!)
Most of all I’m sad…and angry…but mostly sad.
I woke up crying. I mean really crying. You know that kind of crying where tears, snot and screeching noises come out simultaneously. The screeching is raw, incomprehensible noise. It’s like you’re trying to communicate with whales.
It’s that kind of crying where you scream his name, curse his name then say it again but softly.
I hate you! I love you!
I want you back! No, I don’t!
I guess I’m just having a bad day. I’ve been alone for two days because the kids are away this weekend.
I think this downward spiral started last night…When I found the wedding photos.
Damn…
I had a dream about the early days. Yup, I went Old School in my dream. Back then, when it was good, it was really good. For the last five years of our marriage, that’s what I longed for. That’s what I held on to.
Sometime this morning, the dream suddenly catapulted me into the present…Wet eyes, snotty nose, heavy heart.
If my tear-soaked pillow could talk, it would probably say, “Get it together, girlfriend!”
Or maybe it would just roll its eyes and say, “Not this again.”
Damn…
Needing a change of scenery, I forced myself out of bed and into the bathtub…without water.
And I’ve been in such a good place lately. Actually, I’ve been in a really good place for a few months now, which is why this basket-case scenario is really pissing me off.
OK, so I found the wedding photos. Now what?
Do I burn them? A bonfire with s'mores?
 |
| Mmm, s'mores... |
Do I keep them? For when I need a good cry or PMS-ing or PTSD-ing… (Google PTSD)
Damn…
This is not me. I’m the strong one. I’m the rock.
 |
| Mmm, The Rock... |
“I don’t rattle, kid!” Ugh! That’s a line from one of HIS favorite movies.
Damn…
I guess when you’ve lost the love of your life, days like this can shake you. And my world is an earthquake right now.
Don’t worry… No need to talk me off the ledge. (No, Mom… I don’t need you to come over.)
Gonna pick myself up, dust myself off and move on like I always do.
Now if I could only get out of this damn bathtub…
I'm voting for saving the good pics of your ass (those are ALWAYS useful) and a bonfire w/ smores with the rest. And um, will the Rock be stoking the fire? If you say yes, I am SO there.
ReplyDeleteA grief therapist once told me that waves of grief are much like the coils of a Slinky or spring. Sometimes, the waves are really close together - like days, weeks or months of grief. Then you'll have a period of peace between the coils. Then another coil will come around and you'll grieve again. Then peace. Then grief.
ReplyDeleteThe good news is, eventually there's a lot of time of peace and less grief. But my ex and I have been apart for 5 years next month and there are still things I grieve, on rare occasion.
You were probably like me - expecting this to be the one that lasts. And it didn't. So, of course you're hurting. You'll be fine though. You'll get past it.
MWBTB: The Rock is stoking a fire... It's like poetry!
ReplyDeleteT: My therapist says the grief is like someone dying even though he's alive and kicking (and arguing). There are beautiful periods of peace. I cherish that time. This one was just a kink in the coil. :)
I'm glad you found my blog because I probably would have never found you. :) Love your writing style and am excited to read more.
ReplyDeleteAs for the wedding pictures...as much as you'd like to burn them, save them. Even though the marriage didn't last, two perfect things came from it...your daughters. We intend to save all the wedding memorabilia and give it to Peanut when he's older.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI have a question about your site, would you mind emailing me back @ kthomas@primroseschools.com?
Thanks,
Kathleen