Valentine’s Day letter to my ex

Valentine’s Day 2011 came and went. I didn’t buy myself flowers. I didn’t cry in my chocolate-covered strawberries. I just didn’t think about it until… later that night.

As Feb. 14, 2011, came to close, I found myself thinking about all the things I didn’t miss about being with him on Valentine’s Day. I started talking out loud to him (although he doesn’t live here) in the kitchen, by myself, hoarding the chocolate-covered strawberries. When I asked him a question and he didn’t respond (obviously), I wrote him this letter.  

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Dear Romeo:

Thank you for 12 wonderful years of marriage. I know, I know, we were married for 17 years. Do the math.

Listen, if you ever find another Juliet (God help her if you do!), you really need to step up your game on Valentine’s Day.  I mean, you had a good run there for a while, but you really called in at the end. The planning, the dinners, the quality time -- all good!  

If you ever find yourself in another relationship where you just don’t really give a damn, man up and let her know how you feel. Really, dude, grow a pair.

Signed,

Happily Ever After

* * * * *

Like I said, it finally hit me. What was I really missing out on without him? As it turns out not much! I’ll make this easy to understand using David Letterman’s Top 10 style, but with 5.

So here it is, my Top 5 reasons of why I don’t miss being with him on Valentine’s Day:  

5. Him Faking it – Calm down. Not that kind of faking it. I mean faking, as in pretending that he actually gave a damn. He didn’t.

4.  Promising dinner – It started with: “I promise to take you to dinner.” Then downgraded a few days before to: “I promise to make you dinner.”  By Feb. 14, it would turn into a pitiful, “Get yourself something to eat on the way home.” Via text message!  

3. Wasting time, looking for the perfect card – I absolutely do not miss combing through the “To My Husband” section of the Valentine’s Day cards at Walgreens, Walmart, Target or whatever nearby gas station I happened to stop at. In the last five years of my marriage when it went from “Uh oh, my marriage is in trouble” to “It is so over,” I had yet to find a card that said, “You suck as a husband. Happy Valentine’s Day!” (Note to Hallmark: Make new cards!)

2. “Don’t buy me anything. We don’t have any money.” – He said this so often that I will literally be able to copy and paste this line into future blogs about Christmas, Father’s Day, birthdays, President’s Day, Cinco de Mayo… Of course we didn’t have any money, he spent it all.

1. Me Faking It – Again, as in pretending… Pretending to like the piece of crap he bought on some random corner because it was close to his favorite burrito place and it was buy one get one free plus a bag of shrimp. Cheap, ghetto crap is cheap, ghetto crap with zero resale value even at a yard sale.  

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